10 miles, the dearest of the DBFs and a new NT...

Well friends. Long time, no update. Since my almost-fainting spell in Central Park I have been busy, and came down with a very short bout of a nasty sore throat (damn preschoolers!). But today I have some free time to enjoy some writing and reflection, so here we are.

Yesterday was my first 10 mile run. It was a fantastic run! For a few reason:

1. I got new shoes!

I went to NYC's fabulous Jack Rabbit Sports where I was helped by an awesome sales guy. They put you on a treadmill in the store and videotape you running so they can analyze your form and your body's movement, and make sure you find the shoe that best effects your stride. He was super patient, and helped me analyze how I overpronate in my right foot, and we tried numerous different shoes. But the funny thing is these Asics 2150 are the current version of the Asic 2140s I have been wearing. So at least I'm in something very familiar. Though we did add an orthotic to try to normalize my crazy right leg even more. I think I tried 4 different shoes, 2 orthotics, and different combinations there with. I was incredibly grateful for his time and thought, and he listened to all my random questions.

Here's a fun fact about buying new shoes for running a marathon: when training for long runs (like marathons) they generally give you a half a size larger than your normal foot size because your feet will swell so much that your foot will expand and need a larger shoe. Ew...

So I had new shoes, but I also had another fun new toy that I picked up at Jack Rabbit:

2. Goop.

in particular, Cliff Shot Energy Gel. In the strawberry flavor. Guy at the store, whose name I should have totally remember (or asked, I don't even recall asking! I'm awful...) answered my question about these supplements. He said every 45 minutes, if you're planning on a run lasting much longer. So when I run for an hour I am probably fine without a supplement. But when running for an hour and a half, it's definitely a good idea. So I left on Saturday morning with my Strawberry Gel (that also has caffeine, yummy!) in my SPI Belt, and set off to the park. I knew I would have to stop and find a bathroom at some point during my run, so I figured I would try to do it around mile 5 (which would be somewhere between 45-50 minutes in), and a great time to shoot my Cliff Shot and then get back on the run.

A little before 5 miles I decided to leave the Park, around 90th street, and find a Starbucks. If you are not a NYCer, there are Starbucks everywhere in Manhattan. Sometimes on the same block. Seriously. Knowing there wasn't one on 5th (because of my bus riding expertise), I went one block over to Madison, and ran south. But after 10 miles I didn't find one. I also knew there were none on Park, so I went another block over to Lexington, and ran up back towards 90th, finally coming to the Starbucks which is right next to Jack Rabbit Sports. Seriously? I should have known that this was here. I used their bathroom and snarffed my Cliff Shot in my system and then headed back to the park. And whoa! It was awesome! 100 calories, a little caffeine, and a whole lot of potassium and sodium got me back in the game! I ended up finishing 10 miles very easily, feeling like I could totally keep going for another mile or two, and averaging 8:54 minute pace. As the rapper says: "like, whoa."

And I enjoyed it! And I wanted more. Which is awesome, because guess what kids? Next weekend is the Fairfield Half Marathon! 13.1 miles, here I come!

In other news, the DBF is the dearest of all the DBFs possible. I'm sure some of you readers have wonderful partners, but I guarantee none of them could possibly love me as well as mine loves me. (And that is why he is MY DBF and not yours...and vice versa!). Recently I made the decision that I needed to start practically thinking about whether or not to go through with a medical procedure that would not only be costly, but also take me out of commission of the performance scene (and also my amazing job) for a while. But the DBF is the greatest man to ever walk the earth and he has gone there with me, through the "what ifs" and "but maybe" and the "oh no" and a lot of crying... and he remains the dearest of the DBFs. So a little homage to him.

But this conversation has brought to life a Negative Tape (NT) that I've been meaning to bring up for a while, and I knew would eventually come to the forefront. And it is:

I am too stupid to handle my own finances.

or

I am a failure with money.

or

No one will ever love you because you are "too expensive" and too much of a risk...

Yea... that last one might seem a little out of left field, but if I'm being honest about how these fears about myself manifest, this is one that sometimes feels very real. So in looking ahead at a big medical bill plus a lot of time off of work, I think getting my head around my own financial life is of utmost importance.

Just in case I haven't mentioned it, the DBF makes more money than I do. Which isn't hard to do, considering I'm an actor who teaches preschool... But the DBF has a great job that he does really well, and is one of the best in his field, and is rewarded accordingly. I am therefore a lucky lady to be in such great financial company. He was also a math major. I am the daughter of a woman who sometimes says "I don't know, it was either 100 or 1000, the zeros confuse me..." (I love you, Mom!--what she lacks in math skills, she makes up for in grammar, faith and incredible cooking and home making skills). I'm not very sure how it is I'm going to go about rewiring this NT. With the "I am not an athlete" NT it was pretty easy... just think of something hard that you don't think you should be able to do and do it.

So maybe with money it's the same thing... "save $10,000"?

This one may need to marinate for a while. I've read the books, I've done the websites, I've tried numerous times and failed. But I have yet to be able to "fix" myself. The DBF pointed out this weekend that this is one area of my life where, as opposed to everything else where I have a massive amount of pride, I completely fall to pieces and let go, claiming I am "incapable" and throw my hands in the air. So why is this?

Where is Suze Orman for a one on one session when you need her??

Waiting game

So one of the worst parts about my job is a day like today.

Yesterday, you feel like you're on top of the world, the greatest auditioner to step foot onto this great green earth. You feel beautiful, talented, accomplished, and like your star is just waiting to climb. Then the waiting game begins. You piece together information (callbacks are on Monday), so you figure you have to hear probably by the end of today, and at the very latest, by Friday evening... And hours go by. And you don't hear.

So you start to doubt.

Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe it wasn't nearly as fantastic an audition as I thought. Maybe it was but I'm too tall. Too fat. Too young. Too Scandinavian looking. Who knows.

I'm trying not to dwell on it. And I succeed for about 15 minutes at a time, then start to wonder... then catch myself and try to do bring my focus back to the present, and the reality that:

I DID have a fantastic audition. I am good at my job. Whether or I not I get a callback is not a statement on my abilities, or my career trajectory.

But I would still rather have a callback.

I am proud of my run today, however. I left work to do some errands today, and as I was walking to the subway to head home, it started drizzling. The forecast said there would be a 30% chance of thunderstorms from 3pm onward, so I figured this was the beginning of the end. I got off the train at my stop in Harlem, and it was still drizzling, overcast, it had dropped at least 10 degrees... And I went back and forth in my head:

Should I go for a run on the dreadmill?

Should I just go outside and suck it up?

Should I just call it a day and give in to my feeling of worthlessness that keeps trying to overcome me since I haven't heard from my agent yet today?

I hemmed and hawed about it for about 10 minutes and came to the conclusion that I wouldn't melt in a little bit of rain. And also that my feelings of worthlessness probably wouldn't subside, but possibly even have more ammunition, if I skipped my run.

I got geared up and headed outside. I did decide to wear a hat, since I hate sprinkle in my face, I find it to be an irritating sensation and I wanted to avoid that. Leaving the apartment things looked the same, though the rain was almost totally gone. But still cool and overcast.

But did it start thunderstorming? No. The sun came back out. And the temperature went back up. And I was wearing a freaking hat.

Oh well. I sweated a lot. I ended up with a nice 5 mile run at an average of 9.2 miles. I was also having side stitch issues too, so I need to start paying attention to how and why I think those are occurring. I seem to have problems slowing down my pace. If you look at this run chart, I'm kinda all over the place. Because I want to slow down, and then I end up going faster and faster. I guess I'm just impatient.

Maybe that's the theme of today.

Dying the roots right now and then going to spend some nice me time getting ready for tonight's dinner. And wrap Miss Mary's present.

Today's new truth:

The outcomes of things out of my control do not speak for my sense of self worth.

but, that being said, getting a job is really awesome.