Waiting game

So one of the worst parts about my job is a day like today.

Yesterday, you feel like you're on top of the world, the greatest auditioner to step foot onto this great green earth. You feel beautiful, talented, accomplished, and like your star is just waiting to climb. Then the waiting game begins. You piece together information (callbacks are on Monday), so you figure you have to hear probably by the end of today, and at the very latest, by Friday evening... And hours go by. And you don't hear.

So you start to doubt.

Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe it wasn't nearly as fantastic an audition as I thought. Maybe it was but I'm too tall. Too fat. Too young. Too Scandinavian looking. Who knows.

I'm trying not to dwell on it. And I succeed for about 15 minutes at a time, then start to wonder... then catch myself and try to do bring my focus back to the present, and the reality that:

I DID have a fantastic audition. I am good at my job. Whether or I not I get a callback is not a statement on my abilities, or my career trajectory.

But I would still rather have a callback.

I am proud of my run today, however. I left work to do some errands today, and as I was walking to the subway to head home, it started drizzling. The forecast said there would be a 30% chance of thunderstorms from 3pm onward, so I figured this was the beginning of the end. I got off the train at my stop in Harlem, and it was still drizzling, overcast, it had dropped at least 10 degrees... And I went back and forth in my head:

Should I go for a run on the dreadmill?

Should I just go outside and suck it up?

Should I just call it a day and give in to my feeling of worthlessness that keeps trying to overcome me since I haven't heard from my agent yet today?

I hemmed and hawed about it for about 10 minutes and came to the conclusion that I wouldn't melt in a little bit of rain. And also that my feelings of worthlessness probably wouldn't subside, but possibly even have more ammunition, if I skipped my run.

I got geared up and headed outside. I did decide to wear a hat, since I hate sprinkle in my face, I find it to be an irritating sensation and I wanted to avoid that. Leaving the apartment things looked the same, though the rain was almost totally gone. But still cool and overcast.

But did it start thunderstorming? No. The sun came back out. And the temperature went back up. And I was wearing a freaking hat.

Oh well. I sweated a lot. I ended up with a nice 5 mile run at an average of 9.2 miles. I was also having side stitch issues too, so I need to start paying attention to how and why I think those are occurring. I seem to have problems slowing down my pace. If you look at this run chart, I'm kinda all over the place. Because I want to slow down, and then I end up going faster and faster. I guess I'm just impatient.

Maybe that's the theme of today.

Dying the roots right now and then going to spend some nice me time getting ready for tonight's dinner. And wrap Miss Mary's present.

Today's new truth:

The outcomes of things out of my control do not speak for my sense of self worth.

but, that being said, getting a job is really awesome.

Another good day

This week is certainly shaping up better than last week.

I owe a lot of this to the weather being beautiful, low 70s and not the high 80s/low 90s of last week. It makes finding time to go for a run much easier, and the run itself more enjoyable. Also it was just simpler to forgive myself from the bad week and move forward.

I also think a lot of this has to do with my awesome Career Focus Group, affectionately called Tony Prep. A group of friends and I meet weekly to discuss our successes and challenges in our acting careers, and part of our process is each week we set goals that the group holds us accountable for and helps us achieve (if they can!). It's amazing what happens w

hen you start asking for help. (Just as an FYI, our group name is an homage to the Broadway awards of artistic achievement, the Tony Awards, because we think we all have the potential to win one someday. Hence, we meet to prepare for this day).

At Tony Prep (TP), I set myself a "challenge" this week--a little different than a goal, I suppose. (There were goals I set too, but I won't go in to those here). This week I set a challenge for myself to only watch one hour of TV a day (with a free for all allowance on Friday night, but reminding myself that I have to wake up extra early on Saturday for my long run before teaching). I don't consider myself to be a person who watches "a lot" of TV, but I think that I might be in denial. I watch a TON of TV. Now that I am working a regular schedule at my awesome part time job as preschool music teacher to Manhattan's elite, I have a pre

tty set daily routine, at least when there aren't auditions thrown in. And I started to notice that I would get home a little before 2pm, and then kick it on the couch and pretty much not get up until I was forced to, or it was time to go to bed. Sometimes I would read. Sometimes I would putz on the internet. Rarely would I do anything truly productive. Like clean the apartment or do laundry, which are necessary. Or cook, which I enjoy. Or write letters (which is another part of my 2010 goal, but that's a blog for another day). I mostly just watched crap on TV.

So here's a new tape I want to set for myself:

I am an active and proactive person.

When I think about it, this probably goes hand in hand with being an athlete, since the athletes I know are people who enjoy moving, and don't spend 8 hours on the couch... Not that there's anything wrong with that, per say, on an occasional basis! Lord knows that I'm going to be doing a lot of couch sitting post-marathon in November, and I don't think I'll ever give up my love of a good TV drama (or train-wreck like reality show), but there's no need for me to spend my whole day watching shitty TV.

(it's my blog, I can say shitty).

And that kind of leads me to another tape I'm accepting and trying to rewrite. This one I can't quite put into words yet, but it's something along the lines of:

I can't follow through with anything.

or

I can't do anything right.

I get that a huge part of this is my perfectionism. A huge pa

rt of me, a very prideful part of me, hates to fail, and hates to fail even more when I've worked really hard at something. So there are times when I'll shoot myself in the foot by underestimate myself, or for a good example in my career, I'll under-prepare myself. Any actors out there will hate me for saying this, but prior to moving to NYC I barely ever had to audition, and if I did audition, I booked probably 9 out of 10 jobs I actually auditioned for. I am fortunate that people like my work, and I think like me, and once I've worked with one person or for one company, they seem to enjoy bringing me back. This is a wonderful reputation to have. And even after I moved to NYC, I booked my big breakout NYC role after my second audition, from there signed with an agent, etc...

But that was just luck. So much of this business is luck. Being in the right place at the right time. But I firmly believe there is a huge part of the business that is being ready, prepared and focused so if that moment sneaks up on you from behind, you're already prepared.

I recognize this. I am capable of this. Yet I don't often do it.

"For shame, Anna Lise!" I know, I know... I'll do stupid things like not print out sides until the day of an audition. Or not plan music. Or not practice. Or just decide at the last minute not to go because I'm not prepared.

Tomorrow I have an audition that I'm quite interested in, and would love to be a part of. And this limited TV thing has allowed me/forced me to find the time and use it to prepare. I feel good about my work for tomorrow, wish there was more time, and am trying to accept in advance that whatever happens, happens. That recognizing how I was stepping on my own feet and getting in my own way is part of what this training and blog is about. Shutting up the tape that says "Failure is not an option" and writing a new tape that says:

It's not a failure unless you fail to learn and move forward.

(Pretty profound if I do say so myself).

So tomorrow:

5 mile run

Arse-kicking audition

some good classes to teach in the morning

Learning, and keep moving forward.

Before I finish todays post though:

I ran a 8:23 3 mile run today. I am mighty proud!

And P.S....watching only an hour of TV makes something like the 2 hour episode of The Bachelorette seem really too long. One keeps thinking: "Oh come on, get to the point here!"