I did forget to have GU with me for the long run yesterday, but since it was a shorter distance, I don't really think it mattered.
But today's blog is about a really big Negative Tape. And it's a doozy.
I am unloveable.
Wham, bam, thank you m'am!
My roommate just got engaged to her boyfriend that she's been dating for 7 months. And of course my first response is:
I will never get married.
What? Why do we do this as human beings? Why is everything comparison and competition? I have the world's most wonderful boyfriend. (Sorry Rest of the World, but none of you men would make a better boyfriend and partner and crime for me than the DBF!) There is no doubt in my mind that we have a successful, happy relationship that is headed towards marriage, family and a wonderful long life together. But suddenly my roommate gets engaged (to her boyfriend, not mine!) and I feel like I'm drowning.
Yesterday, I called my friend Nathan who is a fount of wonderful insight, and he said something along the lines of "Everyone is on their own life journey and this is just an opportunity for you to remember that yours is uniquely yours, and to celebrate its uniqueness". I am jealous that I am not engaged yet, absolutely, but at the same time I am more jealous that at 7 months their relationship is flying high and optimistic about the future of possibilities. 7 months in to my relationship with the DBF, I had sustained a debilitating injury that made me question who I was in the world, why I was here, what was good about my life if I was no longer able to do the things I could do since before the injury... This past year has taken me to hell and back, doubting who I was and my own self worth. Now I'm finally waking up and looking at the future. Now I am optimistic about why lies ahead, the gifts God gave me, what my calling and purpose through this life may be. And now I feel like I have woken up again.
So yes, I am jealous I'm not engaged, but more than that, I'm jealous that this past year of my life hasn't been lovey-dovey, roses and candle light. It's been medical debt, insurance fiascos, physical worries, self doubt, anger, resentment, frustration.
But the reality is:
The DBF is still here. And he has held my hand through all of it. Through the crying and the anger, and took blows that got aimed at him that he never deserved. And he is still here.
Marriage is a commitment, and it is a symbol before God (and the government) that you are making a choice to live your life with another human being, as partners and supporters. And The DBF has already shown me that he is committed to me. So what does getting engaged really mean? It means a ring and a date (Thank you Dr. Laura). Do I want a ring and a date? Hell yes. But does it mean I am any more loved than I am today?
I am loved.
The funny thing is, I got emotional on my 9 mile run yesterday, almost near the end (probably around Mile 7.5 or 8). Sometimes I think I will no longer think of emotional situations in terms of levels of upset-ness, but in mileage. Like, "how many miles would it take me to run off my irritating at this crabby post office worker?" or "how many miles would it take for me to run off my sadness of not booking this job or getting a callback?" Yesterday, it took about 7.5 miles to run off feeling like I was unloveable and un-marry-able. But it wasn't just physical exhaustion or endorphins that did it. There was a bike race in Central Park yesterday, and as I came down the road to exit the park, I came past an ambulance and about 4 bikers who had collided and hurt themselves. Some were just banged up, but one was lying down on a stretcher, being put into an ambulance. I don't think he was fatally hurt, but he was certainly injured enough for a trip to the hospital. And I started to cry.
Life is too short to worry about what might happen, or even what is happening. Just because you're engaged doesn't mean that you might not get hit by a bus tomorrow, or diagnosed with cancer. What matters is today, and how you live in it. How you treat the ones you love, and the strangers you don't know.
Today I am loved.