Post Half Marathon

So it's been 3 days since my half marathon.

And I've been busy! I actually had an audition about 4 hours after finishing, and it was certainly a new experience! It's rare to have auditions on Sunday, and this was an appointment my fabulous agents had set up. But for about 2 hours after the race I felt good, but so tired, I just couldn't imagine trying to do anything that required effort!

However, I went in and ended up getting a callback, so most of Monday was spent furiously preparing for my callback yesterday. 6 women there, who knows how it went. Catch and release.

I owe a better blog than this one, but I'm trying to catch up with life and things at home. I'm feeling a little tired still, I think I am a little "run down" from the race. But I mostly feel just fine.

Getting back to training soon...!

I am so awesome.

I have run a half marathon!

As far as I can tell I finished around 2:07, which was a bit disappointing because I had a secret goal to finish in under 2 hours. (They say you're not supposed to set any goal for your first race of a new distance aside from just finishing... but I knew I'd finish... Have you met me?!)

I did learn however that my Nike+ for my iPod isn't quite totally right. By the end of the 13.1 miles it was about a half a mile off. I noticed it in the beginning, because it would announce mile completion a little out of sync with the mile markers. But it was pretty close, but each mile of course made the difference wider. It really wasn't a big deal, though my iPod announcing "Congratulations!" When I still had a half a mile to go wasn't super helpful!

Let's start at the very beginning. As Maria says "A very good place to start".

Yesterday:

--hydrated like a maniac, drinking as much water as I possibly could stand.

--cooked a very delicious dinner for the DBF and myself, of whole wheat pasta, chicken sausage, peas, olives (can you tell I was fridge-cleaning?) and a side of green beans. It was a perfect combination of complex carbs, light protein and veggies.

--In bed reading by 10pm

--asleep, I think by 11.

However, I woke up all night long, worried that I overslept. I decided that once I could see light outside I could actually check my clock. So when I woke up and a little sun was peaking through, checked the clock and realized it was 5:13 (I had my alarm set to go off at 5:00!), I was very pleased with my internal clock.

I took a very quick shower, if only to wash a little of night cream off and provide a good clean base for sunscreen! I stood in my shower post drying off and just doused myself with 70 sport spray... every nook and cranny I could think of, then I rubbed it in, and then I did it again. I ate a delicious breakfast, my traditional strained yogurt (I strain my own Greek yogurt, because I'm a dweeb like that), granola, chia seeds, and for fun today I put in some peanut butter (figured the extra protein couldn't hurt!).

The DBF and I left my apartment via his luscious automobile by about 5:45. I was positive I hadn't forgotten anything, but of course worried about it anyway. The plan was to get on the road (the drive to Fairfield should have taken a little over an hour), and grab coffee somewhere on the road. We had some navigation issues getting there, partially GPS fault and partially because we had a breakdown of Team Communication. (Basically I had been reading the directions from NYC and he had wanted to use the directions from Connecticut, because they brought you closer to a better parking lot. No biggie. Though we never did find coffee. And though I haven't had caffeine for a week, driving directions at 6am are always harder than they should be, and coffee would have helped.

We arrived in town by 7:00-ish, but then had issues getting to parking. But we did procure a good spot in the second most ideal lot. We went and I used a PortaPotty (p.s. I hate that word). We also went and found check in and all the interesting race related stuff. There were over 4500 people registered, which was amazing, and stressful (I hate large crowds...). The DBF had a Diet Coke and I had a bottle of water (and some of his soda, no lie). And by about 8:10 I was ready to go to the race line up. I shot a Vanilla GU Gel (ew! ew! ew! fake sweet is the worst taste ever!) The DBF came with me and stayed with me until the gun went off, kissed me goodbye and I was off, as soon as I could.

I almost immediately started to cry. A few times I choked back tears in that first mile, thinking about how I never thought I would ever be doing anything like this. I think in retrospect it's possible that I started out too fast. I hate people passing me, and I also hate crowds (see above). When I'm alone running I can just "take it slow" but I really wanted to get "out of the way"! I saw my first woman stop after mile 1. It was definitely crowded until about mile 5... I did take advantage of the water stops at Mile 1 to just take some water, pour it on my wrists and some on my face... It was a beautiful day, but definitely mid to high 70s, and sunny, so I figured I'd try to keep cool preemptively.

I didn't start crying again until Mile 3, when I flashed for a moment on where I was a year ago. Very sad. Very hopeless. Sitting on my futon in my living room, wondering if my career was over. Wondering if I would ever feel whole again. Wondering if I could possibly do anything right, wondering why I somehow managed to f---- up everything... But in remembering it I felt so proud of myself! I didn't even really start running again until maybe October of 2009, and here I was at Mile 3 of a Half Marathon!

Shortly after Mile 3 was the first hill.

Yea. Connecticut has hills. NYC does not. Or it "does" but they ain't real hills. More people started dropping like flies at this point. Not actually dropping, but the walking started. My other goal was to not walk. I knew I would walk through some water stations, but just enough to walk and swallow and then get moving again. Luckily I was home visiting my parents in Minnesota over Memorial Day Weekend and got a great 8 mile run there with tons of hills (CT ain't got nothing on the glacial-deposited landscape of beautiful Minnesota!).

I didn't cry again until after Mile 6. The Fairfield Half has great and awesome amenities, like bands playing all along the route. And between Miles 6 and 7 there was a Bagpipe Band (ensemble?). I love me some bagpipes, so I took off my headphones and they were playing "Amazing Grace". You know I cried. I can't NOT cry when I hear bagpipes, and I'm pretty sure I can't NOT cry when I hear amazing grace.

Through many dangers, toils and snares, we have already come.

T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far, and Grace will lead us home.

The next few miles were a bit of a blur. The longest I had run on my own was 10 miles, so I was waiting for that one, knowing I would be okay until then, at least. Miles between 10-12 almost killed me. It didn't help that the stupid iPod kept giving me faulty information ("Only 2.5 miles to go!" YOU LIE, iPOD! YOU LIE!)

I don't remember much about the last chunk, though I do remember thinking I would cry when I saw the DBF and collapsed into his arms. And then I would start to cry a little thinking about it. And then at some point I realized:

"I think I'm going to pee my pants."

But of course I wouldn't stop. By this point I realized that my calculations at being able to finish under 2 hours were totally off (STUPID NIKE+!!!), so my next goal was "Okay, just under 2:10. But I really thought I might pee my pants. I debated being hard-core and just going for it, I figured it would all be mostly water anyway, but I am too much of a control freak to wet myself while running down a public street.

I found it very emotional and amazing how the people of Fairfield all lined their driveways and yards to cheer everyone on, to spray us with their hoses from their gardens, and their little kids gave us high fives.

As I reached the finish line, I knew the DBF was out there, but stupidly we hadn't agreed what side of the finish line he'd be on. So by the last 200 meters or so I just gave up looking, and raced to the finish (and concentrated on not peeing my pants).

I did not cry into his arms, as I thought I might. He met me with a glass of water and a big kiss, and even let my soggy, sweaty self collapse into him a bit. I felt exhausted. And I really had to pee. Luckily the lines for the Porta Pottys (I hate that word) weren't so bad, and I was able to relieve myself really quickly and then we headed to the beach! I took off my shoes, walked through the sand and then got into the ocean! Ice bath it wasn't, but it was still cold. The DBF very smartly pointed out I might as well wade up to my calves and get my knees in the water. Epsom Salt and salt water have to be pretty close, right? If I'd planned better I would have bought my swimsuit! (and gotten a bikini wax, though at that point, I wouldn't have cared).

I ate a delicious hot dog afterwards, and then we set off towards the car. There was discussion of getting on the road then stopping for lunch, but I was worried time wasn't on our side because... I had an audition this afternoon! Seriously ran 13.1 miles and then went to an audition...

The DBF (who is so very smart) demanded we get out of the car about 15-20 minutes into our drive so that I could stretch and move my muscles, and he was so right to do so! I was starting to cramp. We happened to stumble upon a Trader Joe's, so we purchased some Turkey Jerky, some Snack Pea Crisps (I love these things) and of course some water... I have drank so much water post-race, and peed quite a lot, so no worries about kidney failure here!

It is now time for dinner, so the rest of my recap will have to wait for later. But the plan now is to go eat an amazing hamburger at the Brooklyn Public, and sufficiently re-dehydrate myself.

I am so awesome.

T-minus 2 days

until my Half Marathon.

I can't tell you how excited/nervous/anxious/proud I am. This past week has been really more stressful than normal. Let me just sum it up by saying the major activity of my week was researching and applying for State Subsidized Health Insurance. Like shopping around for DMVs and researching which one is most effective by standing in line... in numerous ones... over and over again. Then proving you are who you say you are, filling out a million forms, and then writing a big check to be mailed off to the Subsidized Health Insurance Gods... Stressful. To say the least.

But this week has also been really lovely. I've had a great week teaching. I've been enjoying the beautiful weather (even though it's been VERY hot!).

There is something I want to blog about.

Forgiveness.

This is a theme for the week. An imposed one, actually. It was said to me this week: "You need to forgive yourself".

My response:

"I know".

I know the act has to happen. I am unaware as to how to make those steps that move towards action. It has made the Patty Griffin song of the same name play on loop in my head. I first heard this album (Living with Ghosts) because I borrowed it from the library. I think I had "good" music taste earlier than most (though no one co

mpares to my niece Amelia, who is absolutely beyond her age in her music tastes, perhaps it's genetic from her parents). But I was looking through the CDs and came across this sepia toned CD with a woman who looked pretty frail and tiny, and she was seemingly naked? (Actually naked? Probably.)

I don't know why, but I knew I wanted to listen to this CD. So I checked it out and then listened to it straight for 3 weeks in a row, and promptly went out to buy my own once I had to return it to the library. There was something so raw about the whole album. So naked. My favorite moment is on one of the last tracks you can hear a siren going off in the very faint background. Not a "aren't we being poetic in our mastering of this song by adding a social commentary through faint sounds of emergency and chaos" siren, but a "5 blocks away there's a fire truck going down the street and we're recording in our basement" kind of siren.

Listening to this CD felt like a sneak peak at a moment in time. A voyeuristic glimpse at something that maybe was almost too private to be shared. I guess at the time I loved listening to it because I felt like this was something I wanted to do. I wanted to create something so raw, so honest, so filled with love that it would reach out to some girl in a library CD bin and she would share with me a moment in time. Some weird transcendence. Connection.

Maybe I will make sure that I have my iPod ready to play Patty Griffin for me on Sunday... somewhere between Miles 12-13, when my body is going harder than it ever has, and my brain is fried and wondering what I've gotten myself into... Perhaps I can Jillian-Michaels myself through physical exhaustion and emotional release? (And yes, I just made Jillian Michaels into a verb).

"You need to forgive yourself".

"I know".

Thursday

You better work.

I have been so lax on my training this week. And why? It's been ridiculously hot! And you all know how much I hate the gym...

This morning I dragged myself out of bed at 6am for a morning run, but it was already 83 degrees. I suppose it's better than later in the day because the sun isn't so high, blah blah blah, but it's mostly just annoyingly hot. I got a good 4 miles in at an 8:45 pace. I'm home now, doing pushups. Week 3 is killing me. Partially because it's a big step up. Partially because I haven't done any... well... in almost a week. I think this means the coming week will have to be another repeat week. Week 3 (Part Deux).

In other news: I only had my tea in the morning yesterday as far as caffeine needs, and I ended up sleeping VERY well! Yay! So that was very much needed, and a step in the right direction.

Also, I went to Target yesterday and purchase a pair of running shorts, a running tank and a new sports bra (recommended to me by the woman at Jack Rabbit). I'm trying to find links online and I just can't seem to locate them. The great thing is that the bra, by Champion, is sized like real bra sizes, so I was able to get a 36B, and opposed to a Small or Medium (I mean, what size is that, really?) I wore my outfit this morning and it was great. Meshy tank, meshy shorts, good bra. Can definitely say I didn't think about my clothes once, except to maybe thing about how awesome I looked. :) I'm going to have to keep my tabs on Target. Maybe once a month I can head up to the one in the Bronx (closest to my house) and buy another run-tastic outfit. It'd be nice to slowly start replacing my old, crappy workout clothes. The worn out sports bras especially.

More thoughts to come, but must shower and get ready for work!

(I also saw ducklings this morning at the Harlem Meer. Quack!)

It's Wednesday? $#(*.

Have not gone running yet this week.

Have something funky going on in my sinuses. Is it allergies? Is it another cold (damn you, infant children and your germy cuteness!)?

Today I really planned on getting up early but just couldn't drag myself out of bed. The caffeine consumption during the day really has to stop. For a few reasons:

1. It costs me money! If I could eliminate one daily expense this is the no-brainer. I don't really believe in "uppers" like caffeine. Yes, they definitely come in handy, but "addiction" is addiction no matter how you slice it. I go through caffeine phases in my life. I won't have any for months, sometimes years, then it's a slippery slope back. So I'm at the top of the caffeine addiction chain. I'm probably due for a detox. And I could use the money.

2. Plus, it's so hot, and I don't want to spend money for "iced coffee" and that leads me to want Diet Coke, which is SO not something that came from the earth, nor did it ever have a mother... It's kind of the one thing that goes totally against my "no processed foods" rule. It's so far from being a real food I think it's more closely related to gasoline... Ew.

So maybe this will be a slow start... try to ween off the coffee/diet coke train to Iced Tea (I love tea!). And in German they give a totally different name to caffeine from coffee vs. caffeine from tea. So perhaps it's better? (Let's just go with this one for now, give a girl a little time to adjust!)

Hopefully today I will make it to the gym for a 4 mile run. Not very long, should be totally doable. As much as I hate the gym. Or waiting long enough to go later today outside in the park, though it is going to be 92 degrees.

Also, I wanted to share my friend Jenna's AWESOME blog she's writing. Jenna is my oldest friend. We were Best Friends from Kindergarten to 6th grade, and now she lives in NYC and has a fancy schmancy job working for a fashion magazine (and yes, you've heard of it). She's made a commitment to drop 30 pounds before her 30 birthday (which is 30 weeks away, or 29 now). So check her out!

I feel like I've been super busy lately, and that hasn't actually been the case... At least I don't think so. I can't tell you what I've been doing. But I feel like I haven't had much time for myself. Maybe just enough little things adding up slowly. So here's a promise to be more present this week. And post more blogs.

10 miles, the dearest of the DBFs and a new NT...

Well friends. Long time, no update. Since my almost-fainting spell in Central Park I have been busy, and came down with a very short bout of a nasty sore throat (damn preschoolers!). But today I have some free time to enjoy some writing and reflection, so here we are.

Yesterday was my first 10 mile run. It was a fantastic run! For a few reason:

1. I got new shoes!

I went to NYC's fabulous Jack Rabbit Sports where I was helped by an awesome sales guy. They put you on a treadmill in the store and videotape you running so they can analyze your form and your body's movement, and make sure you find the shoe that best effects your stride. He was super patient, and helped me analyze how I overpronate in my right foot, and we tried numerous different shoes. But the funny thing is these Asics 2150 are the current version of the Asic 2140s I have been wearing. So at least I'm in something very familiar. Though we did add an orthotic to try to normalize my crazy right leg even more. I think I tried 4 different shoes, 2 orthotics, and different combinations there with. I was incredibly grateful for his time and thought, and he listened to all my random questions.

Here's a fun fact about buying new shoes for running a marathon: when training for long runs (like marathons) they generally give you a half a size larger than your normal foot size because your feet will swell so much that your foot will expand and need a larger shoe. Ew...

So I had new shoes, but I also had another fun new toy that I picked up at Jack Rabbit:

2. Goop.

in particular, Cliff Shot Energy Gel. In the strawberry flavor. Guy at the store, whose name I should have totally remember (or asked, I don't even recall asking! I'm awful...) answered my question about these supplements. He said every 45 minutes, if you're planning on a run lasting much longer. So when I run for an hour I am probably fine without a supplement. But when running for an hour and a half, it's definitely a good idea. So I left on Saturday morning with my Strawberry Gel (that also has caffeine, yummy!) in my SPI Belt, and set off to the park. I knew I would have to stop and find a bathroom at some point during my run, so I figured I would try to do it around mile 5 (which would be somewhere between 45-50 minutes in), and a great time to shoot my Cliff Shot and then get back on the run.

A little before 5 miles I decided to leave the Park, around 90th street, and find a Starbucks. If you are not a NYCer, there are Starbucks everywhere in Manhattan. Sometimes on the same block. Seriously. Knowing there wasn't one on 5th (because of my bus riding expertise), I went one block over to Madison, and ran south. But after 10 miles I didn't find one. I also knew there were none on Park, so I went another block over to Lexington, and ran up back towards 90th, finally coming to the Starbucks which is right next to Jack Rabbit Sports. Seriously? I should have known that this was here. I used their bathroom and snarffed my Cliff Shot in my system and then headed back to the park. And whoa! It was awesome! 100 calories, a little caffeine, and a whole lot of potassium and sodium got me back in the game! I ended up finishing 10 miles very easily, feeling like I could totally keep going for another mile or two, and averaging 8:54 minute pace. As the rapper says: "like, whoa."

And I enjoyed it! And I wanted more. Which is awesome, because guess what kids? Next weekend is the Fairfield Half Marathon! 13.1 miles, here I come!

In other news, the DBF is the dearest of all the DBFs possible. I'm sure some of you readers have wonderful partners, but I guarantee none of them could possibly love me as well as mine loves me. (And that is why he is MY DBF and not yours...and vice versa!). Recently I made the decision that I needed to start practically thinking about whether or not to go through with a medical procedure that would not only be costly, but also take me out of commission of the performance scene (and also my amazing job) for a while. But the DBF is the greatest man to ever walk the earth and he has gone there with me, through the "what ifs" and "but maybe" and the "oh no" and a lot of crying... and he remains the dearest of the DBFs. So a little homage to him.

But this conversation has brought to life a Negative Tape (NT) that I've been meaning to bring up for a while, and I knew would eventually come to the forefront. And it is:

I am too stupid to handle my own finances.

or

I am a failure with money.

or

No one will ever love you because you are "too expensive" and too much of a risk...

Yea... that last one might seem a little out of left field, but if I'm being honest about how these fears about myself manifest, this is one that sometimes feels very real. So in looking ahead at a big medical bill plus a lot of time off of work, I think getting my head around my own financial life is of utmost importance.

Just in case I haven't mentioned it, the DBF makes more money than I do. Which isn't hard to do, considering I'm an actor who teaches preschool... But the DBF has a great job that he does really well, and is one of the best in his field, and is rewarded accordingly. I am therefore a lucky lady to be in such great financial company. He was also a math major. I am the daughter of a woman who sometimes says "I don't know, it was either 100 or 1000, the zeros confuse me..." (I love you, Mom!--what she lacks in math skills, she makes up for in grammar, faith and incredible cooking and home making skills). I'm not very sure how it is I'm going to go about rewiring this NT. With the "I am not an athlete" NT it was pretty easy... just think of something hard that you don't think you should be able to do and do it.

So maybe with money it's the same thing... "save $10,000"?

This one may need to marinate for a while. I've read the books, I've done the websites, I've tried numerous times and failed. But I have yet to be able to "fix" myself. The DBF pointed out this weekend that this is one area of my life where, as opposed to everything else where I have a massive amount of pride, I completely fall to pieces and let go, claiming I am "incapable" and throw my hands in the air. So why is this?

Where is Suze Orman for a one on one session when you need her??

Bad run. Good day.

So yesterday's run was awful.

I tried to get in a 5 mile run at the end of the day. And it just wasn't happening. Around 2.5 miles I looked down at my feet and suddenly felt like I didn't know which way was up, and got very dizzy. I shrugged it off and kept running, but then a few seconds later it happened again. Immediately I stopped running, walked out of the park (about 30 yards) to the nearest grocery store/bodega and grabbed a banana, a piece of chocolate and a huge bottle of water, and then just turned around to walk home. I felt a little sad, but mostly relieved that I didn't pass out in the middle of the park...

FYI: there are TONS of runners in the park at night! I rarely go at night, and the morning crowd during the week isn't nearly so diverse and large.

So why was I so out of it? Well, one thing, I think I barely had eaten over 1000 calories by that point in the day. Woops. When I'm on the run I tend to eat much healthier than I do when I'm sitting on my butt doing nothing. But the problem being, I eat an apple here, some carrots there, maybe grab a peach. But the sum total of those little things throughout the day do not constitute enough fuel for a long run, as well as the long day I had. Here's how it went down:

5:45 wake up

6:45 take Subway down to 50th street and stand in the street waiting to be let into the building for the Westchester Broadway Theatre Jekyll and Hyde EPA

9:00 EPA sign up starts and I hope to get out of the there soon enough to make it to Lincoln Center to teac

9:10 grab a $10 cab to Lincoln Center Hands On for my regular 2 Thursday classes

11:30 assume I have two free hours to work on my day's auditions, but two random parents "Drop in" so have another, unplanned class. This is something that rarely happens but it merely an annoyance when it does.

12:10 class ends. Have 25 minutes of prep time

12:35 Take subway down to Chelsea for a callback for a casino commercial. Change clothes from appropriate preschool music teacher garb to black cocktail dress, upscale Manhattan woman on a weekend away with her husband playing blackjack.

1:00 Pretend to play (and win) at blackjack on camera. In cocktail dress and heels.

1:15 change clothes and head east, then grab another Subway uptown

2:00 make an appearance at my Eastside Studio's book signing event with the author of the books our current semester's program is based on. It's not required I be there, but I am, and it turns out I'm running the show. Luckily I know everyone.

2:45 head back west to the Subway and catch the train going downtown back to 54th street. While walking across the park, memorize lines for third (and final) audition of the day.

3:35 Arrive, check in and change clothes (high waisted, very tight black pencil skirt with icy blue, ruffled short sleeved blouse: hint of Victorian, hint of sexy, very proper), and line up for 3:50 appointment

3:50 Sing

3:55 Change clothes back to street wear and grab subway down to West Village

4:30 check in for a role of "Mayor" in an upcoming news skit for Onion News Network

4:31 Realize all the other women there for "Mayor" are WAAAAY older than me (in their 50s) and dressed in god-awful suits.

4:40 read for "Mayor" on camera with casting director. Get a note. Read again. CD praises my work, but then says "You know, I would love it if you could read for a different character".

4:50 Get new sides for Susan, a beautiful reporter who has been kidnapped by the Taliban. (Now THAT's more like it!)

4:55 Read for Susan who is pleading for her life. (It sounds funny, right? ummm...)

5:00 head back towards Subway to head home.

5:45 arrive back in my own apartment. Change clothes, apply sunscreen and get ready for a run.

6:30 leave for run

a little before 7:00-- start feeling faint.

So that's why you should eat more children!

In other news. While on my run/walk, I saw a man propose to his girlfriend. He set up a beautiful table, balloons and flowers in the park with champagne. I saw him kneel and I hear her squeal with delight. I'm assuming she said yes. I saw a bunch of high schoolers dressed in formal wear taking pictures. It was a great little time in the park.

Off to work!

Back to life

SPOILER ALERT:

I didn't get cast.

But here's the more important stuff. Because it's not about the end result. It's about how we got here.

I had a great callback yesterday. I felt like I did "my best", but more importantly I was completely honest about myself. And I think I did great work. Of course after a final callback there is this vast pit of worrisome things one could start thinking about. Like I realized on the subway home later that I skipped a line. Or "do they think that I can't manipulate my passaggio in the high belt, or do they just attribute that to early morning singing?" You can spend hours thinking of itsy bitsy tiny thing, and that can make you crazy. So instead you try to just "let it go".My problem with "letting go" is that I fall a bit in love with a character when I spend this much time with them. Granted it's been a little over a week, but hey, a lot of love can happen in a week. And I really and truly fell in love with this project and the story. So I would have been nice to be cast. But these things, as they often do, aren't always about who was "better" or "worse", but about who is "right". And just like dating or falling in love, it's not a check list of things (though there may be some "must haves" or "can't stands"), it's more about an unnameable quality of the person... some essence. So you can't beat yourself up for not being someone you're not.

Isn't that a horrible irony of the actor's life? One would think being an actor means being able to be anyone. And really, all I can do, is be myself.

I did send an email to thank the writer for the opportunity and he sent me a lovely note back complimenting my work, and then an even lovelier note to tell me I was not cast, and the why's. (Which is unusual. Usually I just wait until the show opens and is running and then I say "well I guess they didn't cast me!") But

There was a moment, waiting outside, when I heard the girl who was going in after my appointment singing, and she had this fantastic jazz pop voice, kind of Joss Stone-like, and I immediately felt totally intimidated. (And I rarely am wowed by other people's voices, just as an FYI.) And so I did what I always do, which is remind myself "Just be you. You are amazing and wonderful and talented, and can only be you. So just be you." And I ha

d the briefest moment of panic of thinking "But who am I???"

You'd think at this stage in my life I would have this one figured out... I do know that I am becoming a phenomenal runner, something I never thought possible. That my body is capable of amazing things. That I have a huge passion for "Real Food" , and perhaps an equivalent passion for a great hamburger and a pint of beer. I am learning to understand that I am a beautiful person, something I accepted about my inside long before I accepted that it was true from the outside as well. I know that children love me (I'm like baby-crack), and so do animals.

But I know I'm horridly insecure, and that I worry a lot that people don't like me. Or resent me. Or are thinking bad things about me. Or that they're judging me. I worry that I'm "unloveable, unloving and ice cold", as was once told to me as a teenager.

I believe I wrote about how the other day, the DBF observed "I thought your blog was going to be about running". And it is...

But the title is, "Anna Lise Is..." and the main objective is to write about who I realize I am, all the while pushing my body to its physical limits... testing the physical and stimulating the emotional and spiritual at the same time. And if I did more Sodoku on my phone I could be stimulating my intellectual as well. :)

Anyway, so on to some actual running.

I had a 3 mile run scheduled today. I actually was excited to get out of bed and get out there. And I started my 3 miles, and was having a grand old time, and enjoying a really quick pace. And when I got to Mile 1, I turned around and headed back home, and only about a half a mile in did I realize, I forgot to do my loop. There is a small lake at the tip of Central Park called Harlem Meer. It is a mile around.

It is a mile from my apartment to the park, so it's a perfect little 5K to leave my house, run to the park, run around and then run back. But for some reason this morning I "forgot" (?) my 3 mile run was a 3 mile run and started running it like a 2 mile run, so needless to say, by around mile 2, averaging a very fast 7 minute pace, I got reeeeally tired. But I finished. There's another park between my house and the Big Park that is also almost a mile to run around, so I just added a loop, but it was a pretty pathetic loop. If I hadn't been really powering through my first two miles, I think i would have averaged a pretty quick pace, possibly just at 8 minute mile. But sadly, my brain checked out and I don't have a good analysis of my pace.

I did learn how awful it can feel when you push yourself too much to soon!

And, I did get a nice congratulatory message from my Nike+ at the end of my workout, from Tiger Woods (for my fastest recorded mile). Do you think Tiger is still on the new Nike+ adapters they're currently making? I doubt it...

What are you afraid of?

Today is my callback day, and of course I have to do some difficult singing at 11:10 in the morning. I heard once, and the DBF confirmed this weekend, that coaches say you should be awake at least 6 hours before a big game. I know I learned this in college about performance, if not from my teachers, then certainly from every Sunday matinee show I've ever done. So I set my alarm for 5am this morning. I leisurely got ready and left around 6 for a run. Instead of setting a goal or a particular time or length I thought I'd just go. 5 miles is my training goal for the day, and I thought it might be nice to get near an hour's worth of moving in.

I ended up on just over 7 miles averaging a 8:32 pace. Nervous energy or just spontaneous picking up of pace? Maybe a little of both. But I was mighty surprised. And pleased. The

wonderful thing about running is it's so simple to see little results. You can go a little further, last a little longer, push a little harder, go a little faster... Today was a good day.

Back at home, I am currently letting my arms rest between my 4th and 5th reps of pushups, in my second attempt at Week 3 of my 100 Pushups Program. It's freaking hard! I felt like Week 2 + 2 was definitely the way to go in between the two weeks. I don't think I've ever felt particularly fatigued between sets and right now I feel like my arms don't even want to type...! Yikes!

(Okay I took a break and did my final set of 9, and I didn't die!)

Last night I watched Losing It With Jillian Michaels. Yes, I should have probably watched The Tonys, but I just didn't want to bother. Plus I only watch an hour of tv a day, and the Tonys would have taken much longer than an hour. I DVRed it, so maybe I will watch it on fast forward today. It's kinda like the great stuff of The Biggest Loser minus the dumb challenges and temptations. Just lots of working out, lots of Jillian pushing people to their physical limits and then asking them to go farther, and when they're down and beaten physically, getting them to break through emotional barriers. On lasts night's episode she challenged (yelled? screamed?) "What are you afraid of?!"

And it struck a chord in me, and I was shocked that I had answers to her question immediately. I had a LIST of things I was scared of.

Last night I decided I needed to journal again. If I'm going to spend this time and energy putting myself and my challenges out into the cyberspace universe, I have to give some back to me too. I pulled out an old journal I haven't used for almost 2 years, and was surprised to find written on the inside cover:

I have to sing because it's the least I can do to give back to the

art form that has already given me so much,

and to God, who by His Grace,

gave me the ability to do it in the first place.

Or this really timely reminder:

I am a success and a force to be reckoned with,

empowered by the grace of God beyond measure.

I am completely loveable.

I am stronger than ever and resistant

to anything that tries to break me down.

It's funny how our daemons, the things that worry us are the same over and over again. For me the questions are always the same. But last night, after being surprised at my list of things that I was afraid of, and then coming across this journal I realized: I have fought this fight before. Sure the players may look different, the challenges and terrain have changed, but I am a warrior and have seen these fears before and moved past them. So I can name them and challenge them by name and begin to fight the good fight.

And that, my lovelies, is a very good place.

To puke or to cry? That is the question.

Yesterday I did my longest run to date. 9 miles. I woke up at 5:30am so that I could get the whole thing in and still have time to get to my Saturday morning classes by 9:30am (I like the be there by 9:15 at the latest, so on the weekends that means leaving my apartment no later than 8:30 since trains and public transportation in NYC on the weekends are goofy). So 5:30 it was. Truth be told, I didn't get out of bed until 5:40.

There were some really good things about my run yesterday and then there were some not so good things.

We'll start with the not-so-good:

-Side Stitch

I had the side stitch as soon as I got out of bed, so I am thinking perhaps I actually pulled or bruised something small. I tried a lot of different things that I researched to try and alleviate it, even stopping between mile 1 and 2 to do a good stretch or two (I paused my workout). But it would come and go. I think it will go away on its own after some more runs, and it does disappear from time to time, so I'm going to put this one on the "to watch" category and just hope it deals with itself.

-Breakfast

I forgot to eat. I was worried about leaving by 6 because if I didn't leave by 6 and I had a bad run or had to walk I might not make it home in time, and in all th

at hubbub I forgot to eat. I don't particularly like eating before running, and for short runs (under 3 or 4 miles) I think I can manage, but normally I'll try to eat a banana and some cereal maybe. Maybe I should try those GU gel thingies? And keep one in my pocket for midway through...

But let's move on to the good:

-Weather

was BEAUTIFUL! And I was surprised (I'm always surprised) at how many people are out so early on a Saturday. But I'll be honest, every time I started to feel fatigued or like I wanted to quit, I would think "You are among these people! A

nd try to think of any of your friends who are awake right now and doing something like what you're doing!" (no offense, friends!) I found it helped me focus back on what I was doing and why I was doing it.

-Pace

I finished my 9 miles at a 9.04 pace. WHAT??? I'm just shocked. I really did push at the end of my run, the last half mile or so, and I thought I would throw up (which would have been awful since I ended about 20 yard from a huge group of people waiting for free vaccinations from the ASPCA...ew...)

The other great thing about my pace was that I ended up getting home with more than enough time. I couldn't dilly-dally around, but I had enough time to get ready, eat a real breakfast, pack a lunch. It was a good day.

So I didn't puke, but I also didn't cry, which was a strong second possibility. On my run I was thinking about something the DBF said, which was: "I thought your blog was going to be about running, I didn't know it would be so... personal."

I debated calling this blog "Don't tell me what I can't do!" (a la Locke on Lost) but that blog is taken. And then I thought it better to speak in a more positive voice, so along came Anna Lise Is.

And one of the things I want to see myself as is an athlete, but it's more than that. It's wanting to see myself as a person whose body is competent. Strong. Faithful. I want to treat my body with the respect that I want in return, to feel confident in it. And to know it was perfectly made for me to do the things that I can do.

At the end of yesterday's 9 miler, I was hit by both an urge to puke and an urge to cry. And I think both are a good sign. Somewhere between yesterday and the day before I grew closer to being the athlete I want to be. Any person whose body can take them through what I went through for an hour and a half yesterday has a body that is ready. For anything. And that's what I want to be.

I am ready.

PS

I just got a call from my agents, and have a callback on Monday.

So I'm not crazy.

Though:

The outcomes of things out of my control do not speak for my sense of self worth.

However, it is now raining.

Waiting game

So one of the worst parts about my job is a day like today.

Yesterday, you feel like you're on top of the world, the greatest auditioner to step foot onto this great green earth. You feel beautiful, talented, accomplished, and like your star is just waiting to climb. Then the waiting game begins. You piece together information (callbacks are on Monday), so you figure you have to hear probably by the end of today, and at the very latest, by Friday evening... And hours go by. And you don't hear.

So you start to doubt.

Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe it wasn't nearly as fantastic an audition as I thought. Maybe it was but I'm too tall. Too fat. Too young. Too Scandinavian looking. Who knows.

I'm trying not to dwell on it. And I succeed for about 15 minutes at a time, then start to wonder... then catch myself and try to do bring my focus back to the present, and the reality that:

I DID have a fantastic audition. I am good at my job. Whether or I not I get a callback is not a statement on my abilities, or my career trajectory.

But I would still rather have a callback.

I am proud of my run today, however. I left work to do some errands today, and as I was walking to the subway to head home, it started drizzling. The forecast said there would be a 30% chance of thunderstorms from 3pm onward, so I figured this was the beginning of the end. I got off the train at my stop in Harlem, and it was still drizzling, overcast, it had dropped at least 10 degrees... And I went back and forth in my head:

Should I go for a run on the dreadmill?

Should I just go outside and suck it up?

Should I just call it a day and give in to my feeling of worthlessness that keeps trying to overcome me since I haven't heard from my agent yet today?

I hemmed and hawed about it for about 10 minutes and came to the conclusion that I wouldn't melt in a little bit of rain. And also that my feelings of worthlessness probably wouldn't subside, but possibly even have more ammunition, if I skipped my run.

I got geared up and headed outside. I did decide to wear a hat, since I hate sprinkle in my face, I find it to be an irritating sensation and I wanted to avoid that. Leaving the apartment things looked the same, though the rain was almost totally gone. But still cool and overcast.

But did it start thunderstorming? No. The sun came back out. And the temperature went back up. And I was wearing a freaking hat.

Oh well. I sweated a lot. I ended up with a nice 5 mile run at an average of 9.2 miles. I was also having side stitch issues too, so I need to start paying attention to how and why I think those are occurring. I seem to have problems slowing down my pace. If you look at this run chart, I'm kinda all over the place. Because I want to slow down, and then I end up going faster and faster. I guess I'm just impatient.

Maybe that's the theme of today.

Dying the roots right now and then going to spend some nice me time getting ready for tonight's dinner. And wrap Miss Mary's present.

Today's new truth:

The outcomes of things out of my control do not speak for my sense of self worth.

but, that being said, getting a job is really awesome.

Audition update

Well friends there was no running today. Far too busy with too much going on, and it also started to RAIN! A little rain wouldn't have scared me off, but since it would have necessitated a huge shower/hair styling event post-run/pre-audition, the afternoon run was out of the question, and it really got nasty by the time I got home after my appointment. So tomorrow it is! Tomorrow is supposed to be a moderate 62 degrees and is (hopefully!) not supposed to be raining in the afternoon when I would head out.

Tomorrow night is my DBF's mother's birthday celebration. We are going to the legendary Aquavit, and I'm sure it will be a wonderful time. I'm pleased because I only teach two classes tomorrow morning, then dinner reservations at 7:15, so I have a whole day to get in 5 miles plus some strength training, do errands and get ready for the special event. I love an occasion to dress up!

Anyway, so I wanted to write this blog to discuss my audition.

I kicked butt. I kicked audition butt. It was awesome. If I don't get a callback it's because of something completely out of my control, like my height or my age. I haven't left an audition feeling such a sense of accomplishment in a very long time. And along with that accomplishment is a release. That I did my best. And that's all that matters.

But here's the crazy thing--

I didn't do "my best". I wasn't perfect. I screwed up a few times. There were moments when things kinda almost went to hell in a hand basket, or could have, but I didn't allow them to. I just kept plugging along. I'm human, I'm not perfect. I did an awesome audition, and I was almost 99% word perfect for my audition sides, and off book, and I sang probably 99% as perfect as I could have imagined. But even now, if you asked me to go back and tell you what it was that went wrong, I don't think I could tell you.

There was a shift today in me. I'm not sure what it was exactly. But I know for a while I stopped really wanting in my career. Not that I didn't want a career anymore, but I was afraid of the act of wanting. Because I feared losing. I had gotten to a place where I felt so naked, stripped so bare of what I thought to be truth, of who I thought I was in this world. Why God had placed me here in the first place.

Without going in to too much detail, since the Internet is a vast place where all things are open and on display, long story short--I went through some physical problems about a year ago that effected my acting career. for a while it was a question whether or not I could physically continue as an actor. And if I could handle the demands, would I be able to perform to the level I was accustomed, and if I wasn't, was I okay with performing at 80%?

So I don't know exactly what the shift was, but I felt... empowered. I didn't feel less than my old self. I felt like a new self. Maybe with some battle scars, but a strong and confident woman, who kicked some major butt today.

I know that getting a callback or booking this show isn't a sign of whether or not these new feelings are well founded or true. But I would like a callback. And I'd like to book a job!

I believe with all my heart, like I believe the sky is blue and that kitties are soft and Jesus died for my sins, that I was put on this earth to sing and to tell stories. I feel my purpose coming back to me...Or maybe I'm coming back to it?

Another good day

This week is certainly shaping up better than last week.

I owe a lot of this to the weather being beautiful, low 70s and not the high 80s/low 90s of last week. It makes finding time to go for a run much easier, and the run itself more enjoyable. Also it was just simpler to forgive myself from the bad week and move forward.

I also think a lot of this has to do with my awesome Career Focus Group, affectionately called Tony Prep. A group of friends and I meet weekly to discuss our successes and challenges in our acting careers, and part of our process is each week we set goals that the group holds us accountable for and helps us achieve (if they can!). It's amazing what happens w

hen you start asking for help. (Just as an FYI, our group name is an homage to the Broadway awards of artistic achievement, the Tony Awards, because we think we all have the potential to win one someday. Hence, we meet to prepare for this day).

At Tony Prep (TP), I set myself a "challenge" this week--a little different than a goal, I suppose. (There were goals I set too, but I won't go in to those here). This week I set a challenge for myself to only watch one hour of TV a day (with a free for all allowance on Friday night, but reminding myself that I have to wake up extra early on Saturday for my long run before teaching). I don't consider myself to be a person who watches "a lot" of TV, but I think that I might be in denial. I watch a TON of TV. Now that I am working a regular schedule at my awesome part time job as preschool music teacher to Manhattan's elite, I have a pre

tty set daily routine, at least when there aren't auditions thrown in. And I started to notice that I would get home a little before 2pm, and then kick it on the couch and pretty much not get up until I was forced to, or it was time to go to bed. Sometimes I would read. Sometimes I would putz on the internet. Rarely would I do anything truly productive. Like clean the apartment or do laundry, which are necessary. Or cook, which I enjoy. Or write letters (which is another part of my 2010 goal, but that's a blog for another day). I mostly just watched crap on TV.

So here's a new tape I want to set for myself:

I am an active and proactive person.

When I think about it, this probably goes hand in hand with being an athlete, since the athletes I know are people who enjoy moving, and don't spend 8 hours on the couch... Not that there's anything wrong with that, per say, on an occasional basis! Lord knows that I'm going to be doing a lot of couch sitting post-marathon in November, and I don't think I'll ever give up my love of a good TV drama (or train-wreck like reality show), but there's no need for me to spend my whole day watching shitty TV.

(it's my blog, I can say shitty).

And that kind of leads me to another tape I'm accepting and trying to rewrite. This one I can't quite put into words yet, but it's something along the lines of:

I can't follow through with anything.

or

I can't do anything right.

I get that a huge part of this is my perfectionism. A huge pa

rt of me, a very prideful part of me, hates to fail, and hates to fail even more when I've worked really hard at something. So there are times when I'll shoot myself in the foot by underestimate myself, or for a good example in my career, I'll under-prepare myself. Any actors out there will hate me for saying this, but prior to moving to NYC I barely ever had to audition, and if I did audition, I booked probably 9 out of 10 jobs I actually auditioned for. I am fortunate that people like my work, and I think like me, and once I've worked with one person or for one company, they seem to enjoy bringing me back. This is a wonderful reputation to have. And even after I moved to NYC, I booked my big breakout NYC role after my second audition, from there signed with an agent, etc...

But that was just luck. So much of this business is luck. Being in the right place at the right time. But I firmly believe there is a huge part of the business that is being ready, prepared and focused so if that moment sneaks up on you from behind, you're already prepared.

I recognize this. I am capable of this. Yet I don't often do it.

"For shame, Anna Lise!" I know, I know... I'll do stupid things like not print out sides until the day of an audition. Or not plan music. Or not practice. Or just decide at the last minute not to go because I'm not prepared.

Tomorrow I have an audition that I'm quite interested in, and would love to be a part of. And this limited TV thing has allowed me/forced me to find the time and use it to prepare. I feel good about my work for tomorrow, wish there was more time, and am trying to accept in advance that whatever happens, happens. That recognizing how I was stepping on my own feet and getting in my own way is part of what this training and blog is about. Shutting up the tape that says "Failure is not an option" and writing a new tape that says:

It's not a failure unless you fail to learn and move forward.

(Pretty profound if I do say so myself).

So tomorrow:

5 mile run

Arse-kicking audition

some good classes to teach in the morning

Learning, and keep moving forward.

Before I finish todays post though:

I ran a 8:23 3 mile run today. I am mighty proud!

And P.S....watching only an hour of TV makes something like the 2 hour episode of The Bachelorette seem really too long. One keeps thinking: "Oh come on, get to the point here!"

Well, let's try this again...

Let's just say last week doesn't count.

No, better than that... last week totally counts as an example of what I DON'T want a week during my training to look like. I totally flaked out on my training. I complained about the heat, about losing sleep, I got into a fight with the DBF, I overextended myself, I didn't eat well, I drank too much (and not water or electrolytes, lovelies), and I ate like a 14 year old boy who doesn't know any better.

In short, it was not a great week for training.

And I felt like a failure.

A lot.

But I realized just because I expect myself to be perfect, doesn't mean I should be, or have to be. I have such a huge need to be The Best at everything I do. Being less than is not acceptable. And that is what this training and this blog project is about--to help me start to see myself more clearly, and perhaps another big point I haven't mentioned:

To treat myself more graciously.

And of course, leave it to the DBF for putting things into perspective. We were discussing how difficult this training will be. My friend and co-worker Michelle told me that when she trained for the LA Marathon it was one of the loneliest times

in her life because no one else really understood. So the DBF and I were discussing my new training plan (more on this later), and I was complaining that I "had to run on Saturdays" because I work on Saturday so Sunday is my only day to sleep in, and "I don't want to run on Sundays when I could get one day to sleep in". And the DBF says, very matter of factly, "Well, it seems like doing this thing to try to change your life and how you look at yourself, sometimes you might have to do things you don't want to do at first".

Duh.

Why didn't I think of that??

So instead of thinking "I can't do that" or "I am a failure for not

doing this or that", I will try my hardest to imagine the woman who CAN do that, who does want to get up and go on a run, and then see me as that same woman. And realize, again, that this is a process. And it's about the growth while this training happens. It's about much more than a race. It's about who I see myself as, and who I see myself becoming as this goal gets closer.

On to my run today!

I am delighted to report that I enjoyed this run in spite of some negative things.

Pro: It was BEAUTIFUL today in NYC. For once it was not nearly 90 degrees, but in the low 70s, so I could go on a simple 5 miler and not feel like I would spontaneously combust from the heat. I was recently reading this blog from Caitlin at The Healthy Tipping Point about tips for running in heat. The DBF doesn't like the idea of me running too late at night (I do live in Harlem, which is a great neighborhood, but it's NYC--you never know!), but maybe I need to try to running up to dusk...? Lordy knows this little lady needs as much sleep as she can get and the mornings are hard for me.

Pro: I had a great pace. Though I took about a minute walk break (which is unusual for me), I still averaged 9.10 minute miles, which means my pace just keeps getting faster and faster, without any real attempt to speed it up. (And certainly last week's absence of workouts didn't help).

Cons: I bought new sunscreen today and doused myself in it. It stung my eyes and made me tear up for the whole run... In fact, even after washing my face when I got back to my apartment finally, they still kinda hurt.

Cons: I got some nasty side stitches. First one on the left, which I breathed through and it went away. Then one on the right, which went away--or so I thought. It just migrated to higher up, almost in my rib cage. I don't normally get side stitches, so maybe it was the quick snack I had before I went out? Maybe I was a little dehydrated, or that I took took too much time off last week. Either way, I simply walked for a minute somewhere between mile 3 and 4 (you can see the big dip on my chart above), and it worked itself out just fine.

A Change In Training Plan

I don't like the Nike+ training plans. The interface online really has no possibility of changing up the runs, which drives me nuts. So if I decided to take Tuesday as a rest day and run Wednesday instead, it just looked like I flaked out on my run. It wasn't working out well with my OCD tendencies. So I just jumped into week 10 of Hal Higdon's Half Marathon training, since my half is 3 weeks away. I find the Novice training programs seem to be a little less than what I wish I was running in total in a week, but I'd rather finish the half, and then finish the marathon in November and then officially become an Intermediate, than to over exert and therefore burn myself out.

Also, I decided to repeat Week 2 of the 100 Pushup Challenge. But I'm calling it Week 2 + 2. I couldn't do the big jump to Week 3, but repeating Week 2 seemed silly. So I'm doing the same sets as Week 2, but just adding 2 push-ups to each set. Which seems to make the difference between Week 3 a little less vast.

I need to get to the shower. I am very gross, mostly from icky sunscreen... Anyone have any suggestions on good sport sunscreen? I don't like feeling greasy! But I would like the highest SPF possible--I'm a fair one!

I FINALLY went running today!

Well friends, today I actually got out of bed and went on a run.

I went later than I had planned.

And I was feeling kind of bad about not going earlier this week. At all... So I tried to get myself out of the angry at myself mindset and just run.

I'm trying to figure out how to upload my run from Nike+ and let you all see it... I can't figure out how to do that... But instead I took a picture of it on the screen and am uploading it here:

So there it is! Can you tell I forgot to turn my Nike+ off after I finished my 4 miles and walked the last .5 miles home? Ha ha. I averaged somewhere around 9.20 minutes per mile I think, which is awesome because that means my pace is getting a bit quicker. Little by little.

What I didn't do so well today are my pushups.

I have been participating in a website that has a plan so anyone can learn how to do 100 pushups. In a row. At one time. And it's definitely something an athletic person would do. So I'm doing it! But I started week 3 today, and it sucked. I felt like a badass on the last day of week 3, which had me doing 5 sets of pushups (5-7-5-5-8). Keep in mind I don't think I could have done more than 3 pushups in a row if my life depended on it before I started this program. So I felt like I was pretty hot. But then today I started week 3, and I look at my sets and it says:

10-12-7-7-9

10??? 12??!?!? Are you nuts?!

So I did 10. Then I did 8. And then I decided to take a shower. I don't know what I'll do to catch up... Week 2 wasn't "easy" but it certainly doesn't need to be done again... I thought perhaps I would try to do week 2 a second time, adding 2 extra pushups to each set. That sounds like it might get me to the point where I could do 22 pushups in the first two sets alone!

Tomorrow morning is a quick run, because Saturday is 10 miles. Are you ready? I think I am...!

...and I still haven't gone running

Well, the alarm that was set to awake me at 5:50am didn't quite cut it this morning... I'm not sure how I'll manage in these hot summer months, but I suppose I just have to accept that it's hot in the summer, and if I really want to do this marathon, then I have to get my butt in gear.

And not just for the marathon in November, but for the half marathon I'm running at the end of this month! Ack! I am going up to Connecticut to run the Stratton Faxon Fairfield Half Marathon, Sunday, June 27. According to my Nike+ training, that week my long run would be just over 13 miles, so I figured, maybe if I could find a half marathon to run (which is 13.1 miles) it would be a cool way to kill two birds with one stone. I love competition, and it always makes me perform better, and I am excited about the half. But I have to get my butt moving again.

So perhaps I'll try tonight, or maybe I'll just wake up early tomorrow and try again...

What do you think? Is it better to give yourself the day off, or run late in the day, even if you want to run again less than 12 hours later? Missing a run seems like it just throws my whole day off.

In other news, Wednesdays I teach only two classes, one at 9:30 and one at 12:30, so I get 2 full hours to practice, organize, clean things in the studio, and do things like catch up on my blog. :) Now that I'm fully settled back in New York after my trip to Minnesota for my cousin's wedding, I think tonight I will cook myself something delicious for dinner. Any suggestions?

I did not go running today

And that does not mean that I am a failure.

I am trying to not beat myself up over this very small lapse in my training.

Let me backup a bit. I am currently using the Nike+ Marathon training program, which I am not in love with, and will probably switch to a different training program soon (any suggestions? I was thinking Hal Higdon?), and I have been diligent in following its recommended workouts. So I went on an 8 mile run on Saturday at home in Minnesota (the DBF and I went to visit my family for my cousin's wedding and Memorial Day Weekend). But I should have gone running again on Monday, a simple 4 miles. I did not go because we were traveling. I said I would go today. I did not go today because I wanted to sleep more. And I had a wonderful lunch with my friend Clare whom I haven't seen in over 12 years. Then it was hot. Then I was tired. And then it was too late...

This does not mean I'm a failure.

If I keep saying it, does it make it true??

Training in the summer in NYC is posing a few problems. They are:

1. It is HOT.

2. I don't like running on a treadmill.

So this leaves two options: waking up really early, or going really late.

Going really late is absolutely out of the question. DBF and my parents if they knew about it would absolutely say no. so early is my only option. I have to walk out my door to work somewhere around 8:15. There is a little wiggle room before or after, but 8:15 it is. So factoring in waking up, eating something small, allowing the body to do its morning digestion and expulsion, and figuring I run somewhere between a 9-10 minute mile (depending on the distance), it means waking up around 6 am.

This isn't awful. But it's not great. Add in a morning where I want to sign up for an EPA and it's almost undoable. (For those who don't know: EPA = Equity Principal Auditions, meaning a sign up is required in the morning, generally starting between 8:30-9am, but lines form as early as 6:30 or 7 depending on the popularity of the show. An early morning run is out of the question before an EPA, for the most part...)

I suppose I should learn how to "suck it up" about the treadmill, but the idea of running 8 miles on a treadmill bores me to tears just thinking about it. I can easily run 8 miles outdoors (okay, easily might be an overstatement), but on the treadmill just 1 mile feels like pulling teeth!

So sometimes I get "behind".

But this doesn't mean I'm a failure.

I swear this makes it true the more I say it.

It is easier for me too to get a workout done in the morning. Then I can't chicken out. I've always been more of a morning person than not. I need my sleep! Even in college it was better to go to sleep, wake up extremely early and start studying again, or finishing a paper at 5am after 4 hours of sleep... It's taken me almost 30 years to learn my own ticks, I should start using them to my advantage.

I am planning on waking up early tomorrow to go on a run before work. 4 miles, will be less than 40 minutes in and out. I can do it, I can do it. Hopefully tomorrow I can also figure out how to connect my Nike+ runs to my blog, so you guys can track my progress!

It's hard not to beat myself up when i don't do something "perfectly". But in retrospect, today was a really great day. Thanks to Clare, to my wonderful students on Tuesdays. This week we're meeting the trombone and trumpet, probably the two instruments I'm least comfortable with--nothing like trial by fire to get you over your fears!

Here's hoping I'm excited when the alarm goes off tomorrow!