Friday, June 25, 2010

T-minus 2 days

until my Half Marathon.

I can't tell you how excited/nervous/anxious/proud I am. This past week has been really more stressful than normal. Let me just sum it up by saying the major activity of my week was researching and applying for State Subsidized Health Insurance. Like shopping around for DMVs and researching which one is most effective by standing in line... in numerous ones... over and over again. Then proving you are who you say you are, filling out a million forms, and then writing a big check to be mailed off to the Subsidized Health Insurance Gods... Stressful. To say the least.

But this week has also been really lovely. I've had a great week teaching. I've been enjoying the beautiful weather (even though it's been VERY hot!).
There is something I want to blog about.


This is a theme for the week. An imposed one, actually. It was said to me this week: "You need to forgive yourself".

My response:

"I know".

I know the act has to happen. I am unaware as to how to make those steps that move towards action. It has made the Patty Griffin song of the same name play on loop in my head. I first heard this album (Living with Ghosts) because I borrowed it from the library. I think I had "good" music taste earlier than most (though no one co
mpares to my niece Amelia, who is absolutely beyond her age in her music tastes, perhaps it's genetic from her parents). But I was looking through the CDs and came across this sepia toned CD with a woman who looked pretty frail and tiny, and she was seemingly naked? (Actually naked? Probably.)
I don't know why, but I knew I wanted to listen to this CD. So I checked it out and then listened to it straight for 3 weeks in a row, and promptly went out to buy my own once I had to return it to the library. There was something so raw about the whole album. So naked. My favorite moment is on one of the last tracks you can hear a siren going off in the very faint background. Not a "aren't we being poetic in our mastering of this song by adding a social commentary through faint sounds of emergency and chaos" siren, but a "5 blocks away there's a fire truck going down the street and we're recording in our basement" kind of siren.

Listening to this CD felt like a sneak peak at a moment in time. A voyeuristic glimpse at something that maybe was almost too private to be shared. I guess at the time I loved listening to it because I felt like this was something I wanted to do. I wanted to create something so raw, so honest, so filled with love that it would reach out to some girl in a library CD bin and she would share with me a moment in time. Some weird transcendence. Connection.

Maybe I will make sure that I have my iPod ready to play Patty Griffin for me on Sunday... somewhere between Miles 12-13, when my body is going harder than it ever has, and my brain is fried and wondering what I've gotten myself into... Perhaps I can Jillian-Michaels myself through physical exhaustion and emotional release? (And yes, I just made Jillian Michaels into a verb).

"You need to forgive yourself".

"I know".


  1. a month or so ago, I woke up and I realised I'd finally forgiven myself for something I'd been punishing myself for, for about 2 years. I did a bad thing for which there were enormous consequences and people got hurt. Therapy played a huge role in my ability to forgive myself.

    For me I needed to come to terms with the consequences of my actions, but it was only when I started being kind and patient with myself did I really start to make progress and eventually time healed my wounds.

    So be kind and patient with yourself Anna, acceptance and forgiveness are powerful things, but they don't come easy.... You'll get there..

    good luck with the half marathon!

  2. I have been Jillian-Michaels-ing myself out of bed in the morning to workout. It does work.