Yesterday, you feel like you're on top of the world, the greatest auditioner to step foot onto this great green earth. You feel beautiful, talented, accomplished, and like your star is just waiting to climb. Then the waiting game begins. You piece together information (callbacks are on Monday), so you figure you have to hear probably by the end of today, and at the very latest, by Friday evening... And hours go by. And you don't hear.
So you start to doubt.
Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe it wasn't nearly as fantastic an audition as I thought. Maybe it was but I'm too tall. Too fat. Too young. Too Scandinavian looking. Who knows.
I'm trying not to dwell on it. And I succeed for about 15 minutes at a time, then start to wonder... then catch myself and try to do bring my focus back to the present, and the reality that:
I DID have a fantastic audition. I am good at my job. Whether or I not I get a callback is not a statement on my abilities, or my career trajectory.
But I would still rather have a callback.
I am proud of my run today, however. I left work to do some errands today, and as I was walking to the subway to head home, it started drizzling. The forecast said there would be a 30% chance of thunderstorms from 3pm onward, so I figured this was the beginning of the end. I got off the train at my stop in Harlem, and it was still drizzling, overcast, it had dropped at least 10 degrees... And I went back and forth in my head:
Should I go for a run on the dreadmill?
Should I just go outside and suck it up?
Should I just call it a day and give in to my feeling of worthlessness that keeps trying to overcome me since I haven't heard from my agent yet today?
I hemmed and hawed about it for about 10 minutes and came to the conclusion that I wouldn't melt in a little bit of rain. And also that my feelings of worthlessness probably wouldn't subside, but possibly even have more ammunition, if I skipped my run.
I got geared up and headed outside. I did decide to wear a hat, since I hate sprinkle in my face, I find it to be an irritating sensation and I wanted to avoid that. Leaving the apartment things looked the same, though the rain was almost totally gone. But still cool and overcast.
But did it start thunderstorming? No. The sun came back out. And the temperature went back up. And I was wearing a freaking hat.
Oh well. I sweated a lot. I ended up with a nice 5 mile run at an average of 9.2 miles. I was also having side stitch issues too, so I need to start paying attention to how and why I think those are occurring. I seem to have problems slowing down my pace. If you look at this run chart, I'm kinda all over the place. Because I want to slow down, and then I end up going faster and faster. I guess I'm just impatient.
Maybe that's the theme of today.
Dying the roots right now and then going to spend some nice me time getting ready for tonight's dinner. And wrap Miss Mary's present.
Today's new truth:
The outcomes of things out of my control do not speak for my sense of self worth.
but, that being said, getting a job is really awesome.