Tomorrow night is my DBF's mother's birthday celebration. We are going to the legendary Aquavit, and I'm sure it will be a wonderful time. I'm pleased because I only teach two classes tomorrow morning, then dinner reservations at 7:15, so I have a whole day to get in 5 miles plus some strength training, do errands and get ready for the special event. I love an occasion to dress up!
Anyway, so I wanted to write this blog to discuss my audition.
I kicked butt. I kicked audition butt. It was awesome. If I don't get a callback it's because of something completely out of my control, like my height or my age. I haven't left an audition feeling such a sense of accomplishment in a very long time. And along with that accomplishment is a release. That I did my best. And that's all that matters.
But here's the crazy thing--
I didn't do "my best". I wasn't perfect. I screwed up a few times. There were moments when things kinda almost went to hell in a hand basket, or could have, but I didn't allow them to. I just kept plugging along. I'm human, I'm not perfect. I did an awesome audition, and I was almost 99% word perfect for my audition sides, and off book, and I sang probably 99% as perfect as I could have imagined. But even now, if you asked me to go back and tell you what it was that went wrong, I don't think I could tell you.
There was a shift today in me. I'm not sure what it was exactly. But I know for a while I stopped really wanting in my career. Not that I didn't want a career anymore, but I was afraid of the act of wanting. Because I feared losing. I had gotten to a place where I felt so naked, stripped so bare of what I thought to be truth, of who I thought I was in this world. Why God had placed me here in the first place.
Without going in to too much detail, since the Internet is a vast place where all things are open and on display, long story short--I went through some physical problems about a year ago that effected my acting career. for a while it was a question whether or not I could physically continue as an actor. And if I could handle the demands, would I be able to perform to the level I was accustomed, and if I wasn't, was I okay with performing at 80%?
So I don't know exactly what the shift was, but I felt... empowered. I didn't feel less than my old self. I felt like a new self. Maybe with some battle scars, but a strong and confident woman, who kicked some major butt today.
I know that getting a callback or booking this show isn't a sign of whether or not these new feelings are well founded or true. But I would like a callback. And I'd like to book a job!
I believe with all my heart, like I believe the sky is blue and that kitties are soft and Jesus died for my sins, that I was put on this earth to sing and to tell stories. I feel my purpose coming back to me...Or maybe I'm coming back to it?