What are you afraid of?

Today is my callback day, and of course I have to do some difficult singing at 11:10 in the morning. I heard once, and the DBF confirmed this weekend, that coaches say you should be awake at least 6 hours before a big game. I know I learned this in college about performance, if not from my teachers, then certainly from every Sunday matinee show I've ever done. So I set my alarm for 5am this morning. I leisurely got ready and left around 6 for a run. Instead of setting a goal or a particular time or length I thought I'd just go. 5 miles is my training goal for the day, and I thought it might be nice to get near an hour's worth of moving in.

I ended up on just over 7 miles averaging a 8:32 pace. Nervous energy or just spontaneous picking up of pace? Maybe a little of both. But I was mighty surprised. And pleased. The

wonderful thing about running is it's so simple to see little results. You can go a little further, last a little longer, push a little harder, go a little faster... Today was a good day.

Back at home, I am currently letting my arms rest between my 4th and 5th reps of pushups, in my second attempt at Week 3 of my 100 Pushups Program. It's freaking hard! I felt like Week 2 + 2 was definitely the way to go in between the two weeks. I don't think I've ever felt particularly fatigued between sets and right now I feel like my arms don't even want to type...! Yikes!

(Okay I took a break and did my final set of 9, and I didn't die!)

Last night I watched Losing It With Jillian Michaels. Yes, I should have probably watched The Tonys, but I just didn't want to bother. Plus I only watch an hour of tv a day, and the Tonys would have taken much longer than an hour. I DVRed it, so maybe I will watch it on fast forward today. It's kinda like the great stuff of The Biggest Loser minus the dumb challenges and temptations. Just lots of working out, lots of Jillian pushing people to their physical limits and then asking them to go farther, and when they're down and beaten physically, getting them to break through emotional barriers. On lasts night's episode she challenged (yelled? screamed?) "What are you afraid of?!"

And it struck a chord in me, and I was shocked that I had answers to her question immediately. I had a LIST of things I was scared of.

Last night I decided I needed to journal again. If I'm going to spend this time and energy putting myself and my challenges out into the cyberspace universe, I have to give some back to me too. I pulled out an old journal I haven't used for almost 2 years, and was surprised to find written on the inside cover:

I have to sing because it's the least I can do to give back to the

art form that has already given me so much,

and to God, who by His Grace,

gave me the ability to do it in the first place.

Or this really timely reminder:

I am a success and a force to be reckoned with,

empowered by the grace of God beyond measure.

I am completely loveable.

I am stronger than ever and resistant

to anything that tries to break me down.

It's funny how our daemons, the things that worry us are the same over and over again. For me the questions are always the same. But last night, after being surprised at my list of things that I was afraid of, and then coming across this journal I realized: I have fought this fight before. Sure the players may look different, the challenges and terrain have changed, but I am a warrior and have seen these fears before and moved past them. So I can name them and challenge them by name and begin to fight the good fight.

And that, my lovelies, is a very good place.